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On being annoying.
blaisepascal
Someone on my friends list posted a (friends-only) message headed with words to the effect of "if you can read this, it isn't about you." In the comments, it became clear that it was, in fact, partially about me. In fact, after describing a situation that clearly identifies me to those who are familiar with what the post was talking about, I was called "ANNOYING!".

This was a surprise to me, as I don't know what I have done to be annoying. I certainly didn't think I had been an annoyance to the person in question.

I'm sure politeness was a factor -- it is not polite to say negative things about people to them. Telling someone to their face that they are annoying is just not done. I'm sure there are acceptable social conventions to convey ones annoyance, but they are social conventions, not direct commentary. If the recipient of these conventions can't, or doesn't, read them they have no way to know that there is a problem.

I, unfortunately, do have a problem reading social convention, and much prefer direct communication. This posting is a direct invitation to tell me what you don't like about me, what annoys you about me, what upsets you, etc. This is directed at everyone reading this, not just at the person (whom I haven't identified) who messed up their posting security.

Let me have it!

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As I said it, I will take responsibility for what I said. The rant in question was *not* intended to be seen by you, but as it was, I'm certainly not going to hide from my own statements.

As for the answer, I've already given that.

since I did not read the missive I'd like to know if I was annoying as well....

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
umm.. I missed that post- was *I* being annoying as well?

I think you get enough of this from me love *hug*

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hmmmm... I wonder why etiquette requires people to be dishonest? I wish that people could be honest & sensitive to each other as well....

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(Deleted comment)
I can see how de-anonymizing the situation that was intended to name no names would have been "annoying" if the ranter wanted to keep personalities out of it, but needed to blow off steam.

Also, am failing to follow the sentence: did you or did they "describe a situation that..." - it sounds like you did, and they called you annoying for it. Is that so? (If that is the case, yes, it _was_ annoying of you to do that, but the primary faux pas is still in their court. If they were the ones who described you insufficiently anonymously and the "annoying" was a part of that description, that's a different story, and I have insufficient data to comment.)

As to whether I personally have any points of annoyance to raise with you... I am not actively annoyed, but it does remind me that there is a matter between us which originally stemmed from something you did which annoyed me, which we vaguely started talking about, and interrupted on account of time. I expect that LJ is not a good medium for further discussion if you think that such might be useful.

The LJ entry that was made expressed the posters annoyance at a couple on her friends list. The initial posting didn't clearly identify the behavior or the people. In the commentary enough detail came out about the behavior that it was clear that she was annoyed at skitten's multiple posting of long articles from Yoga Journal without cut tags earlier today. She said she found skitten "and her boyfriend" annoying.

It's at that time that I responded, indicating that I could read what was clearly not intended for me to read, and asked why she felt I was annoying. Shortly thereafter, she responded to my comment, answered my question, and removed me from the visibility list for that posting.

LJ certainly isn't the best forum for us to deal with unfinished business. I'm uncertain as to what is, however.

Re: On being annoying.

Everyone is annoying to someone sometimes.

I believe that on those occasions when you do annoy me I communicate with you directly and immediately. I believe that this has been successful because I believe that you have acknowledged my communications on those occasions.

If someone is annoyed with you and does not communicate clearly and reasonably with you about it that is their problem. They need to work on their interpersonal relation skills. You can't be trying to read people's minds and guess if you are annoying them.

Re: On being annoying.

It seems to me that people have been trained to not tell people the truth - after a while it seems people are afraid to tell people the truth about these things... not sure what the solution is....

Re: On being annoying.

I'm not sure it's a matter of people not telling each other the truth, I think it's more likely to be that we don't have the skills to say negative things to one another in a positive way. These are skills that have to be learned, and I believe in this day and age, we've lost some of our interpersonal skills. Case in point, we're communicating over a medium that cuts out tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. LJ and e-mail do not lend themselves to true communication, because too much is missing.
If memory serves me correctly, there are exercises in couples' therapy that involve how to, well, complain effectively. Instead of "you never let me finish what I'm saying," the proper statement is "when you interrupt me before I finish speaking, I feel like you don't care about my opinions."
There is also such a thing as too much truth. An example I remember from somewhere is a story about a young woman, wearing a dress made for her by her mother, who asks a friend what she thinks of the dress. Which is apparently hideous, though the wearer's attitude shows that she loves it. Do you tell her that the dress her mother made for her which she seems to love is ugly? Crush her joy with blunt force? No. You say something about how wonderful it was for her mother to make her something that she obviously loves and how special that is. Is it a lie? No. It is tact, though.

Re: On being annoying. (Anonymous) Expand
I don't know you well enough to determine whether or not I find you annoying. But the few times we've met in person, I haven't found you annoying at all. You exhibit character traits that I value very highly - intelligence, open-mindedness, humor, and a strong sense of identity. I can put up with an awful lot from a person who has these traits. (Also, the first time I met you, you couldn't have been more than thirteen years old...)


One thing I find annoying in other people is when they exhibit self-defeating behavior, and complain about the effects. But, I'm aware the lines on when is it self-defeating, and when are they just being inefficient, or trying different stuff and not learning what I think they should learn from their mistakes, etc. I don't often come up quickly with a constructive response they seem likely to embrace, and usually just pass on in silence.

I remember reading *something* from you that hit me that way *sometime* in the past, but the details are gone.

For what it's worth... :-)

Sigh ... I mean, I'm aware the lines *blur* on when...

Well, there's these little things...

One is actually annoying in a very positive way: You're much more of a superb analytical bookworm than I. That's why I like you, and continue to read you regularly even if I seldom comment. This annoyance is more like a friendly rivalry among colleagues or siblings... like when my brother and I were young kids and I would so love his toy trucks that I would snatch them away from him, be mean for a while and then set the matter alright and keep on playing as if nothing. Or when I was involved in intellectual contests in high school, and I momentarily saw my rivals as prey to hunt down, until after the event was over and then we were back to being affectionate classmates and good friends. Besides, as far as analytical capacity goes, you've become something of a role model for me. Go, Buddha!

Another annoyance is kinda silly. I'm not your neighbor anymore! I miss living so close all I had to do was walk over, or just plain run into you. Geographical limitations! *lol*

Oh, and then there was the time I was annoyed at myself about you. You had come to visit before I had had a chance to cook, and I could not feed you as my personal hospitality customs dictate. Then you kept reassuring me it was fine, that I didn't have to feed you! But I kept thinking, my grandma would so *kill* me if she were here! *rofl* An episode of culture clash. Interesting, huh?

I do hope this amuses you.

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